I don't usually go and write journals in one go. But, tonight I'm going to.
Tonight, maybe two and half hours ago I finally got to confront the fact that I didn't really forgive my father. He has been dead for over ten years, so I though I'd just leave the dead be.
Nevertheless, I did disown him in a way, even though I'm his first born son. I wanted nothing to do with him any more. Because, I turned to be a completely different man than he was, and definitely not what he expected or wanted me to be. So, afraid of being a rejected by him (because he used to do that. Call us dogs in clothes when we don't preform or behave), I disowned him in a way, and wanted nothing to do with him.
With God's grace I finally came to this place of forgiving him, accepting him as my father, and accepting myself as his first born. I'm not his property though, nor do I approve of his former ways. But, he's still my father after all.
Should we meet again one day in Heaven (or somewhere), I might be a bit happy to see him.